Let Me Sleep

I’ve been dealing with uncommon for me exhaustion, and (maybe more common for me) depression, lately.

For a while, launching The Theopathy League website was helping, now it’s just reminding me how much time I’m not dedicating to drawing and painting and bookbinding, and it doesn’t mean that I will give it up, it just means I don’t know what to *do* with all that.

I mean, all I can do is try to solve the tiredness problem so that I can steal time to make art and work with my hands, and the space to do it in, and oh goodness I’m already tired just typing that out.

There was a little quiz thing on Facebook recently, and it asked what I’m looking forward to, and I thought of things that would have come off more dramatic and depressed than I feel them.  Or I thought of saying “Literally there is nothing to look forward to”, but that sound really bad. I don’t feel really bad. I just feel almost nothing at all.

I have two settings right now, work or wanting to be asleep.  Anytime I’m not at work I just want to be sleeping and I low level resent everything and everyone that represents me not being asleep.  I’m legit not just sleeping all the time, but that’s mostly because I feel like the people around me would be judgey if I did. But I don’t know for sure.

If I lie down to sleep, all the ideas come to me.  It’s not a lack of inspiration.  It’s the lack of ability to do anything about the inspiration that is tiring, that is exhausting to hold all of this in my head.

I should maybe go back to counseling, but I’m not even sure how I’d manage that.  It was hard enough to take the time off to do it last round, and everyone is so weird about it. But I don’t know. Maybe I’m just hormonal.

Every day I dream of getting away to a monastery for 3-7 days.  There are a couple in Oregon, and I desperately want to book some time at one, but it doesn’t look possible for me.  Normally, I’d try and problem solve that, but I’m too tired to think about it right now. I’ll get back to it later.

Things will look up, I’ll make sure.  But until then, why can’t anyone just let me sleep?

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